Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Screaming Maniac's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, April 4th, 2006
6:28 pm	Biotechnology and women? So I've been updating one of my teacher training course powerpoints, about the Polymerase Chain Reaction, which is the technique that has really revolutionized molecular biology. Anyway, the guy who invented it is Kary Mullis "... that most scientists agree is a kook." Anyway, kook or not, he got the Nobel prize in chemistry 1993, and to be honest, I quite like that there are characters out there in science. I mean you look up Kary Mullis and on the pages about him the words "glowing raccoon", "alien abduction" and "LSD" appear. But here's something I read that he wrote that really got me riled up. "I was working for Cetus, making oligonucleotides. They were heady times. Biotechnology was in flower and one spring night while the California buckeyes were also in flower I came across the polymerase chain reaction. I was driving with Jennifer Barnett to a cabin I had been building in northern California. She and I had worked and lived together for two years. She was an inspiration to me during that time as only a woman with brains, in the bloom of her womanhood, can be. That morning she had no idea what had just happened. I had an inkling. It was the first day of the rest of my life." The bit that got me was the "She was an inspiration to me during that time as only a woman with brains, in the bloom of her womanhood, can be". I read that and I was like "what the fuck?" How patronizing can you be? Am I wrong here? Maybe it gets to me because I have been treated like that. And he's not saying anything particularly derrogatory, is he? I guess it's the "bloom of her womanhood" bit. One would never describe a man as being in the "bloom of his manhood". I guess that might mean something else... but I got to thinking about it, because as I have discovered, men are men and women are women and we do complement each other. Thank God we don't do things the same way, because the world would be pretty odd indeed. Anyway, I've got to think about this one some more. Figure out what bothers me exactly about that, or if I'm just being an idiot. I just can't believe the reaction it has gotten from me. (Comment on this)
1:39 am	What I'm into these days... I feel like I've discovered new stuff lately, which is cool. I have just downloaded a great album, Joshua Radin, very folksy, James Bluntish, but my fave track is Only You, a remake of that 80's song. Just checked, originally Yazoo. Anyway, it's awesome. I'm in a weird space right now though, odd sleeping patterns, and a bit bored, but really busy at the same time. I've been sleeping stupidly early, and then am awake for a good chunk of the night. I'm in serious need of a break, which I'm getting next week, in Toronto, to be a tourist in my own country. Should be good. Peace, out. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
9:20 pm	I am in love with Zach Braff Well... sort of. I have recently discovered Garden State, which is my new favourite movie, and soundtrack. I have listened to nothing but Let Go by Frou Frou all day. It is the most kickass song I've heard in a very long time. I think my new fave genre of music is electronica. I just consume music, especially with all the time I spend in the car. Anyway, Garden State is a beautiful movie, and has changed my life, and is making me look at the beauty in the world again. It's funny how when you discover something you feel like you've discovered this secret... only to find millions of other people have discovered it too. I think one of the best examples of what I mean here is Romeo and Juliet. I think everyone has a memory of when they first discovered it, and how it affected them. I remember discovering it in university, listening to it on vinyl at Sedgewick library while following along in my English 100 paperback, and crying during Juliet's speech before she drank the poison. What moved me the most was how young she was, and how afraid she was, and how her naivety came through, but how she was so in love none of that mattered to her. Sadly, that speech is often cut out of films. Here you go: Act 4, Scene 3 Farewell! God knows when we shall meet again. I have a faint cold fear thrills through my veins, That almost freezes up the heat of life: I'll call them back again to comfort me: Nurse! What should she do here? My dismal scene I needs must act alone. Come, vial. What if this mixture do not work at all? Shall I be married then to-morrow morning? No, no: this shall forbid it: lie thou there. Laying down her dagger What if it be a poison, which the friar Subtly hath minister'd to have me dead, Lest in this marriage he should be dishonour'd, Because he married me before to Romeo? I fear it is: and yet, methinks, it should not, For he hath still been tried a holy man. How if, when I am laid into the tomb, I wake before the time that Romeo Come to redeem me? there's a fearful point! Shall I not, then, be stifled in the vault, To whose foul mouth no healthsome air breathes in, And there die strangled ere my Romeo comes? Or, if I live, is it not very like, The horrible conceit of death and night, Together with the terror of the place,-- As in a vault, an ancient receptacle, Where, for these many hundred years, the bones Of all my buried ancestors are packed: Where bloody Tybalt, yet but green in earth, Lies festering in his shroud; where, as they say, At some hours in the night spirits resort;-- Alack, alack, is it not like that I, So early waking, what with loathsome smells, And shrieks like mandrakes' torn out of the earth, That living mortals, hearing them, run mad:-- O, if I wake, shall I not be distraught, Environed with all these hideous fears? And madly play with my forefather's joints? And pluck the mangled Tybalt from his shroud? And, in this rage, with some great kinsman's bone, As with a club, dash out my desperate brains? O, look! methinks I see my cousin's ghost Seeking out Romeo, that did spit his body Upon a rapier's point: stay, Tybalt, stay! Romeo, I come! this do I drink to thee. She falls upon her bed, within the curtains Well anyway, I'm feeling rather reflective these days, nicely in touch with my feelings which is nice. Sometimes I feel so detached, in the drive to be really efficient, of all things. Anyway, as to why I called my post "I am in love with Zach Braff", it's because of the beautiful way Garden State shows how he looks at women, or at least Sam. I've been wondering about that recently, since I work with so many men, and how this new promotion I've got has landed me right in the middle of men posturing with how well their business is doing... I had a great conversation with one of the senior managers about it the other day, and I said "am I supposed to be like that now? Cuz when you guys do that I just think it's really funny" and he said "NO! You just keep being yourself!" and essentially said that was what made me special. I often look at other women, and see how delicate they are, and graceful, and I wish I was like that... or I did... and in some moments I wish that too... but I guess now I don't really anymore. I'm getting happier and happier with myself. I'm lucky to be in a position where being myself is what is getting me places. Well, the other thing that I was thinking about was how lots of times I don't even know what people see in my abilities, because while I'm reflective about the world around me, and about myself, sometimes I think I'm looking too closely to see what everyone else sees. It kind of doesn't matter, but it would help me be objective sometimes, when I feel like I'm failing (which, stupidly, I feel like a lot of the time, even though I'm not. Where does that come from?) Ok, so one last listen of Let Go, and then I have to turn the stereo off. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 23rd, 2003
11:31 am	unexpected feelings So I'm packing stuff last night, and I've already given bags and bags of stuff to Oxfam. And I went to throw out this makeup case thing my dad gave me for christmas a few years ago. It was such a strange gift coming from my dad, and me and C thought that he had some help in buying christmas gifts because he wouldn't normally have bought things like that for us. And I guess I just felt this sadness about dismantling the independent life I have set up for myself. Not that it's going away or anything, and the emotion I felt surrounding my dad's gift means I'm doing the right thing by being around to spend more time with him. And things are going to be so exciting, and I'm needing a change in pace and lifestyle anyway... but I guess it's just this same old thing that gets to me. The transiency of life. That things can never be the same and that we're always moving on. That's a good thing. For experiencing new things. I'll just miss my friends. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 22nd, 2003
4:38 pm	gotta wear shades Well. Lab morale is really low. It bugs me because it's totally getting to me, and I've only got 5 more working days to go. Today I told my teaching mentor here about my plans, and he was great, immediately gave me two names of people to get in touch with about getting more teaching for next year. And he understands why I don't want to tell current boss my plans. Anyway, we also talked about a teaching book idea I had earlier in the year, and it's something I will actually have time to pursue in the fall. Got me thinking though: imagine all the great ideas people have that never get developed or brought to fruition because they're just too busy! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 20th, 2003
2:41 pm	freelance science presenter I didn't know you could be that. But I think that's what I'm becoming. That's kinda cool. Well actually very cool. I've been thinking up a symbol I could put on a business card, in keeping with the logo idea... What could be a logo for me? I guess what's weird, and totally normal at the same time, and why this is the right thing for me, is that I'm selling me, and my personality rather than just what I can do. I think I can turn on the energy and charm in front of a microphone and camera... but I think it will definitely be something I'll have to learn as well. How exciting. Well anyway, I need to think of something I can put on a business card. I think I can come up with something memorable that symbolizes me. Well back to the biacore for me. Only 7.5 more working days. We had journal club today. How much will I NOT miss that. I just can't wait to be free of this place and be the screaming maniac I really am again. Yay! (Comment on this)
11:01 am	Cool Well it's all still coming together. Looks like I'll have some presenting-science type gigs in the fall, as an mc for these kids conferences with a national final too. And getting in there with some TV stuff, for educational tv to start, which will give me opportunities to find out what my style is. This is great! Now I just need to get through the drudge of the next 8 working days. Ug ug ug. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 19th, 2003
5:53 pm	well here goes nothing Hmm. So meeting up with the first of many people that I will have discussions about a career in tv with. I hardly know what to expect, except that if I think about it, its too weird. If I don't think about it, it's just nothing at all... it's just being me. Freaky. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 14th, 2003
11:41 am	cardiff Well. I gave a seminar to my old department in Cardiff yesterday. It all went well except for the ludicrous introduction my ex gave me. He was just trying to suck up so badly. It was embarrassing. But, as one of my friends pointed out, it wasn't my embarrassment, it was his. Anyway, I felt great to talk about another subject that was entirely different from what I did while I was there. And I was able to field the questions just fine. It's something of a closure to have done it. A closure on my time here... and I guess a reaffirmation from people I do actually respect as scientists. Well, I respect and actually like them as people. So that was very cool. And I got so much encouragement for what I'm going to do with my life next. I totally went for it though, I don't think I was entirely dressed appropriately because I didn't go for the dowdy scientist look. I dressed like me, which was great to be able to do. And also, I'm thinking more and more about doing science presenting for tv or something, like getting involved in science program production. Yeah, it was about closure. And I guess what was funny about B doing that intro was that that whole chapter of my life is well and truly over too. I just have moved on to such better things. So that's cool. I felt quite good. And today, I have to motivation to finish up things for the paper. And also I am feeling like I am a good worker and I did get things moved along on this project, and I haven't been a failure at this postdoc gig. Lots and lots of discussions also about how the postdoc "system" is falling apart. Everyone is getting out. Weird. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 12th, 2003
4:09 pm	talk in Cardiff Well. Tomorrow I'm giving my talk in Cardiff. All the appropriate things are in place. Happy hour is arranged, as are the dinner reservations. It will be great to be somewhere where people are nice. I realized that what was so terrible about being here was being made to feel stupid every single day. That's just wrong. I'm feeling quite happy about my talk, I'll be giving a good one, so that's cool. I'm just quite tired just now. Oh well. Have a break. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 9th, 2003
5:38 pm	we didn't get the graaa---ant. Ha! Now *that* is what I'm talkin' about. I knew we weren't going to get the grant, and can you imagine if I would have been told that today, and would have lost my job, poor little me, but instead I did it first. I'm happy about that. And the best bit is, I get to go home in three weeks. I can't believe I'm so happy because we didn't get the grant. I guess it's cuz of the guilt I would have felt... although I had none, about making them find someone new. I don't feel like this is the end of my research career at all. I just feel like... I just feel great. I feel in control of where I'm going, in the sense that now I'm just going with the flow. I just get to be me, I don't have to try and be some scientist that I'm not. This is so good. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 29th, 2003
12:23 pm	momentary overwhelmage Mom kept saying to me, during our discussions about what I'm going to do next, that I was selling myself short. That I could do a lot more than I was thinking I could. I'm starting to believe her. I found out a bit more about the kids who are in the program I might be working for. They are referred to as children-at-risk. This group includes physically and sexually abused kids, kids that behave violently, ones with learning disabilities, substance abuse problems, poverty... and sometimes more than one of these things. And so I ask myself "what am I doing? Can I really handle this?" And then I think, "that's not what it's about. I've been dealt such a great hand in my life. I've been nutured and have grown into an adult. It's these kids that are living that life... And I can be part of the solution". I just never thought that being a scientist would enable me to do something like this. The program is called KidSafe. www.kidsafe.ca Other opportunities are presenting themselves. It looks like I might just be able to get a gig at the Festival of Science conference in September here in the UK, organizing informal workshops between scientists and 15-19 year olds. That gig could get me lots of contacts. I just feel like my life is taking off... and that it never really stopped. But the lows I felt this year were indicative of major changes needed. The "doing something that matters to me". And for quite a while I didn't feel special to myself anymore. I do now. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 24th, 2003
3:53 pm	the weirdest thing So in my procrastination to write this paper... I was doing some google searches of people I went to high school with. And I found my grad date. I have gotten the shock of my life. He is now an investment banker guy, married with a kid, and he looks like a man. Not like that boy I went to grad with. I don't think I look that different (happily I'm minus the 80's glasses) apart from maybe a few more wrinkles. Then I found other people, and it's crazy because I keep getting shocked "so and so is married and has a family? How could they have done all that in this time?" And somewhere in there I feel kind of left behind. I mean, don't get me wrong. I wouldn't have changed a thing, really. But I am just feeling a bit like "oh my god, what have I done with my life". And I know some people would say "you've done so much", but I guess it's all because there is so much I haven't done. It's also because I'm just at a different place now. While I value my accomplishments, my values are changing. And I want to work on just being a person rather than being an accomplishment, or a set of accomplishments. I want to learn to value just being, not what I have achieved. That became obvious to me when I had to write my cv for the potential job... I didn't write a science cv... there were no publications on it, and instead I wrote down what I do... rather than what the results were. A new way to live? (Comment on this)
1:49 pm	rainy rainy day Well I'm not being very disciplined today, this kinda sucks. I lasted for a bit without the internet cable. I've got to write this paper. And I'm doing it, bit by bit. But I'm more focused on going home. In my chat with the boy today, we got onto the topic of family obligations... well not that deeply. Only in the "so does this mean I have to go to some family thing" way. I'm aggrevated by this whole long distance thing. I know it's only 5 more weeks, and I know this is hard, but it's just so irritating. How can someone maintain closeness with half a planet, 8 time zones, and different daily concerns going on? I guess that's what else is getting to me. I practiced yoga in my new yoga pants last night... they're awesome. Very plain and cotton and made me feel in the zone. Whatever. And today I got asked "so what is your goal in doing yoga?" and I replied "well I don't do it for any goal. I just do it to relax". So if relaxation is the goal, then fine. But I just don't see it really as something to get better at, hold postures for longer, and doing more. Although, having said that, that's definitely how I feel. But the goal for me is to lose all sense of that. And to just do it, to my capability. To feel my own body from the inside, to be aware of it. It's the aware thing mostly. And now, I should be aware that CD147 needs to be written about. Ug. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
10:50 am	chillin' Well. I'm feeling very peaceful today. Trying for more balance this week, so that should be nice. Yoga was good yesterday, but I think I hurt my neck a bit. Will need to practice more. There are many different vibes going around the lab today, from really hyper to angry to grumbly. And I'm just letting them wash over me. I think I'll head out for lunch, get C's birthday card. I need to get into the writing thing though. It seems like such a daunting task. I really don't like writing papers. I also haven't heard any more from the school programme thing, but I suppose it's still easter break. Just try and forget about it for now, and try and focus on work. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 18th, 2003
2:09 pm	round and round. I would like to get in that mindset that we got into at yoga. Lose the negativity and the obsessions. That would be cool. Aim for that. I just keep having an imaginary conversation with the boy, pointing out how he's being unreasonable... of course, we don't usually have that conversation. He just ends up being all wonderful and understanding. Have faith in that then. I rewrote my resume, and put down some skills I totally take for granted. Makes a total switch from the results based "I worked on this project, and found out that" cv. I am learning about what I have become in the last 10 years. I wonder what's next. I think I like the idea of feeling like I'm always off work, and just doing short term things. I guess that's why I don't feel like I am shooting myself in the foot in applying for this job. Come september, I'll be unemployed again... well. I mean, I'd like to keep the Oxford teaching job. And I'd like to keep this job if I get it... it could be my summer Canada gig. And then I could get other stuff... I would have from christmas til the end of january off. Then I'd teach til the middle of march. Then have spring. It comes down to money too. I had this big panic about having no cash to show for my 7.5 years here. But I'll also have no debt. I've put myself through my PhD, and paid rent and fed and clothed myself. And while I know money needs to be put aside for old age... well I do have a pension here in the UK, but I don't have any RRSP's or anything. Anyway, I realized that one of the great gifts my parents gave me was that I don't have to worry about them. I only have to worry about me. I'm lucky again. Anyway, if I do get this job, I'll get INCREDIBLE experience. I'll get a bit of money for getting the experience. And then I'll be able to come to this public understanding of science conference in the UK is september, and get some leads from there. I intend to work at the conference so I don't actually have to pay to go there. So I'll need money for living and plane fare. I can do that. (Comment on this)
1:40 pm	its happening so fast So I was all set to pick berries and do nothing for 12 weeks. And now it looks like I have a very good chance of getting this science coordinator job. What am I doing? I keep telling J about it, and I think he thinks I should just take time off to see what I want to do next. we have different approaches to lots of things. And well... if I get this, this could be such a great opportunity. Can't let that go by. And I really think doing this "portfolio career" thing is doable. How great is that. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 17th, 2003
12:38 pm	things are coming together Well. I always said "it's who you know" for getting ahead in life. And I'm so lucky I know so many nice people. In looking to what I want to do next, I've been writing many people, and I can't believe the connections they're setting me up with. It looks like my plans to freelance can actually come true. And since I'm able to work in Britain and Canada, I can just go from here to there as I like. Cool. I wrote to my first year biology prof at UBC this week. He was very instrumental in me getting my first lab job, and has just been very inspirational. He sent me a poem that he used to show us in first year bio. Caminante no hay camino, Caminante son tus huellas el camino y nada mas, Caminante no hay camino Se hace el camino al andar. Al andar se hace el camino y al volver la vista atras Se ve la senda que nunca se ha de volver a pisar Caminante no hay camino sino estelas en la mar. Antonio Machado Wayfarer there is no way Wayfarer only your own tracks are the way Wayfarer there is no way You make the way while you walk. While you walk you make the pathway And when you turn your eyes back You see the trail that you will never step on again. Wayfarer there is no pathway, but wakes over the sea. Antonio Machado I'm glad he reminded me of this. Anyway, he put me in touch with someone that might be able to get me a job for the summer. Working with inner-city kids. Doing science. BRING IT ON. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
9:17 am	awakening Well I went to my first ever yoga class last night. It was amazing. I wasn't too bad, fairly flexible, but need to learn to be able to hold the postures for longer. And I also have to learn to not be so competitive with myself, and just do what my body can do rather than force it to be better than the last time. And just learn to feel the subtleties. And to concentrate, rather than trying to inhibit my laughter. And then there was the teacher. hot-tie. And the 6 foot 5 muscles with the tattoos. Think I fell in love with the teacher though, even though he is very skinny, and fairly short, but probably because he knows more about yoga than me. Always find men who know more about stuff than me attractive. But apart from all the things going on like that that I just mentioned, what I really liked out of it was how at the beginning we were told to let go of things that don't really matter, and to be open to the positive, lose the negative, obsessiveness... that was cool. In times of distraction, thoughts just came up out of nowhere, about my concerns of the day, and then I just let them go. Like random firings. And I also had to stop myself from thinking about muscle groups and what they look like on the man with no skin on the wall at the gym... and rather just feel them, feel what they felt like to me. And while I couldn't necessarily feel all vibrations the teacher said we should concentrate on feeling, in different power centres, I could definitely feel the knots of where energy was getting trapped? I had a big headache in the middle of my forehead whenever we had to think of that. It was just really awakening. I will go again. Hopefully next time I won't have to try and supress a giggle whenever the word "anus" gets mentioned. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 15th, 2003
1:24 pm	enjoying being alone Well. So I'm looking into different jobs, and I found one today that, although I don't know how eligible I am for it, would be interesting. And the money would be fantastic. It's largely administrative, and that really doesn't appeal to me so much. But the money is fantastic. But its in Oxford. And I really really don't want to be here anymore. I got to thinking about what my ideal situation would be. Sometimes, I enjoy my own company so much I wonder if I'm just made to be single... Its hard to guage that just now, since I'm trying to make the best of being alone for 7 weeks. I mean, what will I find when I get back home? What will he find in me when I get back home? The thing is, people are constantly changing. I want to be in a relationship where that is allowed, and encouraged. And I think I am. Bottom line about this Oxford job is that... while it might be great to get the experience and paid lots for it (again, not even sure I'd be suitable for it), I want the uncertainty. I don't want mundane "get up, go to work, go home, eat" anymore. Not right now anyway. This week I've taken a new thing on board. Working out before going to work. I never thought I could be "one of those people" who did that, because I'm not a morning person. But so far so good. And I actually like it! It's all about change. (Comment on this)